I think it’s time. I’ve been tossing it back and forth, but I do think it’s time to retire the blog. Back in September, a bit panicked, I was trying to figure out a way to keep everyone informed of our progress, but this blog transformed to so much more than that. I’ve said it 1000 times before, but the comments, the encouragement, and the love we felt are part of the reason we were able to beat cancer. In a bit of a strange way, the blog became my sidekick of sorts, a bit of a crutch and way for me to process everything that was going on in a simple way because I had to find a way to communicate it simply.
 
While writing this blog I always tried to be fair to our situation while trying to maintain a positive perspective. Perhaps some days I wasn’t as fair to it as I should have been as some people have said we made it look easy. Trust me, it wasn’t easy – but there were reasons that some things went unsaid. There were moments of this whole cancer fight that I just didn’t want out in the world – I didn’t want anyone to have to go where we had to go to – it was a tough place to be and where we could prevent additional worry, we did.
 
Tom’s diagnosis and subsequent care taking role for me was like adding another full time job to my plate. A job I truly feel lucky to have had. There were days where the blog felt like the “homework”, the proof that we were making progress and doing what we were supposed to be doing. There were nights I was simply exhausted and didn't think I had it in me to write, but we wanted people to know what was happening so they could keep praying for us. In a weird way it became our acknowledgement – our way of saying we know you are all there rooting for us. I know some days the writing wasn’t eloquent and most days it lacked perfect grammar or punctuation but hopefully you recognize that it was just raw – it was what we were feeling and experiencing.  
 
Obviously this isn’t all over yet, but the bulk of the “fight” has passed. We’ve got a ways to go in regards to getting back to our lives, not being nervous of scan results or going down the “what if…” spiral, but we will deal with that like we’ve dealt with everything else – one day at a time and with a positive attitude.
 
So what’s next? I was talking with someone recently about the pressure to do something earth shattering now that we’ve beaten cancer. Certainly we will live life differently moving forward, and I know we will make decisions differently as a result of this, maybe that will be in the next few weeks, maybe that will be years from now. The possibilities are endless. Are we going to quit our jobs and go live on a beach with Aruba? Nah – not yet anyway ;-)
 
Speaking of jobs, Tom will be headed back to work in just two short weeks. He will be back in the office the first week of March and will obviously be careful as he eases back into work. He is still on lifting restrictions, but for the most part we can see “normal” getting closer and closer! Tom is feeling great, he has defied the odds once again and for people that aren’t aware that he just had such massive surgery you really wouldn’t know. He is eager to get his restrictions lifted and get back to the golf course!
 
We both agree that the one thing that is a non-negotiable is that we want to pay it forward. If we can do anything for the next cancer victim to make it easier on them, we certainly want to help. That is currently manifesting itself in many different ways, and again, time will tell how this all plays out. For me, one thing I’m in the process of doing is pulling this all into a book. As I mentioned above I didn’t blog everything, but I wrote along the way in addition to the blog. My goal is to pull it all together and tell a story that can help people, make people laugh, and perhaps teach some life lessons that Tom & I  had to learn all too soon.
 
So for a little fun – some fun facts about the blog:

• 1 – Number of times Tom vetoed a post (For the record, I was REALLY mad at cancer that day and took it out on my blinking cursor and a blank page)
• 91 – Number of Posts
• 160+ - Current Number of Pages of the book I’ve been working on.
• 19,000+ Visits to the site 
• January 19 & January 20 – Highest traffic days of the site (Tom’s surgery and day after)
• 200+ Comments on blog posts
• Embarrassing # of hospital selfies

 
So to close, we want to say thank you. A few people have referred to this blog a chapter of an amazing love story - and I loved that reference because as terrible as this all has been it's been so surrounded by love. Our love, the love of our friends and family, and most importantly the power of all the love, energy and prayers. We are so very proud of everything we accomplished in the past six months, and we certainly tried to do it with as much grace and gratitude as possible. We will continue to keep everyone in the loop, but if you are worried about missing out on all my profound wisdom, sarcasm or jokes, give me a call...or stay tuned for the book that will hopefully be hitting shelves soon :) 

If you remember back to our first post with our "We Hate Cancer Selfie" - we've come a long way and included our "We Beat Cancer" picture tonight to bring it full circle. We love you all SO much, and from the bottom of our hearts, thank you, thank you, thank you.......

Eek! It’s been a few days since I’ve posted! Happy Valentine’s Day to all <3 – we enjoyed ourselves and as per usual my very romantic husband went above and beyond. Tom is feeling well, though I must say I am shocked at how bruised he is from his port, there is a very thick and solid ring of yellow bruises around his port and it looks like it hurts. You can tell it’s tender and that he is moving very deliberately so that it doesn’t hurt as much.  However, he didn’t complain for the last six months so it’s no surprise that he hasn’t complained about this either.
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We started working on our post cancer bucket list this weekend and got ourselves a new mattress! We had the most wonderful man helping us and he helped us figure out what we wanted and even better was able to deliver it same day. Though silly, it was very exciting to be buying an item that we had talked about doing once this was all over – and quite frankly what I dreamed about when I was sleeping on the tiny uncomfortable couch at the hospital. As with any new mattress it takes a few days to get used to, but I’m already sleeping better than I have in months, and it’s only been one night! Another thing we did this weekend was go to the movies – another silly thing – but we hadn’t been able to be in a movie theater for months because it was a risky place to be with germs and such large crowds of people while he was going through chemo. It’s truly the little things that put smiles on our faces this weekend. We feel like we are getting our lives back in control and starting to feel “normal” again.

Despite these exciting milestones it has been a strange transition for us both. When we were told Tom had cancer we had to adjust to our situation quickly but had a list of things we had to do. Meet with doctors, get second opinions, get the port in, start chemo, etc. While it was chaotic we had a plan that we had to follow to beat cancer. Coming out on the other side has so many more happy feelings, but has been a bit more ambiguous. There is no real manual on how to adjust back to life but we are doing our best to figure it all out as best we can.

Since we hate to go too long without a doctor’s appointment, we will be back at the hospital in the morning for Tom’s port follow up. It should be quick and hopefully then we will have a break for a few weeks before any more appointments – woo hoo! More to come tomorrow….
 

The port has left the building! Three weeks to the day since Tom’s surgery and he is cancer free and now the port is out. Talk about progress! We headed to the hospital at 9 this morning and got Tom checked in. It’s technically day surgery so they have to get him in a gown, check his vitals, and ask the same registration questions they have asked us 1000 times. Short of my bra size and political views I think they know just about everything possible. Then we had to wait for a bit until they came and got him, wheeled him away and took him in for the removal.

It was quick and easy (Tom’s words) and he was awake the whole time. They gave him some meds to “relax” him and then used a topical numbing agent to keep the actual port area numb for the incision and pulling it out. Here’s what’s weird about that – he can feel everything happening on the inside of his body since that wasn’t numb. I say that only because the port had gotten a little too comfortable in there. Since it was surgically implanted it’s pretty deep to begin with and since it’s been in there for six months it went even deeper. They said they had to “dig” a bit to get it out (gag), and Tom could feel all the pulling and prodding (gag again). As a result, he is actually having quite a bit of pain in that area because they really had to dig around and then of course there are stitches there now. The positive side? Tom said his big incision didn’t have any pain because there was so much pain around the port. :)

They monitored him for a bit afterwards and then we were free to go. If only everything had been this easy! On our way there this morning we were talking about how strange it felt to be going to get it removed and how little we knew when we had it put in six months ago. We had no idea what we were about to do, how we were going to manage to do it, and the toll it would have on us both. His port was put in the day before his first chemo and within that same week he had five days of chemo, five nights in the hospital, throwing up, pain, a seizure in my lap that will still haunt me for the rest of my life, and I think I slept 4 hours that week. Today? Quick and easy and our only appointment of the week! Plus, today’s removal was symbolic of the end of this journey versus the beginning – thank goodness.

Speaking of the end, we are planning on having a big ‘ol “Tom Beat Cancer” Party! All will be invited, but we are thinking we won’t have it until early summer for a few reasons. First, we want Tom to be feeling better where he has a little more strength for a party. Second, for some of our non-local friends and family who may take a trip it’s a better city to visit in the summer. And lastly, you can never trust the weather in the Midwest so we want to hedge our bets a bit on that one. More to come…

Today was a big milestone for Tom & I – his last shot! Tom is thrilled, as am I, but I think for different reasons. We’ve had to plan around these shots for the last 16 weeks so I do think it will help in feeling like our normal is coming back. His last shot was tonight (and the glove snap was on point!) because he has to be off the blood thinner for a full day before the port removal. Then, after the port removal on Tuesday, he will go back on blood thinners but in pill form instead of the shot. In mid-March he will do all his final blood work and then we hope at that time he is off the blood thinners completely. I posted the picture of our last shot – even though I look like hell  :) 

For those living under a rock…today is Super Bowl Sunday! As I mentioned I have been sick and was feeling much better yesterday. Today? Not so much, I took what feels like 5 steps back and literally did almost nothing today…which is very unusual for me. Tom kept telling me I needed to just lay down and rest and due to how crappy I felt and I listened. So as a result we didn’t do anything for the Super Bowl other than watch it here together – which was a-ok by me because I feel so awful. On a positive note though, Tom is feeling better and better each day. I can't say enough how impressed I am with how far he has come in the past 19 days - and as you can see in the picture the hair is coming back strong! 

As we were watching the game (and disappointing commercials) I pointed out to Tom that this all began after the first week of football. Tom and I love football – different team allegiances – but love football none the less. It’s part of the reason I love fall so much and we have always looked forward to our football Sundays. We usually have something in the crockpot all day, and get things done while we relax and watch football. We were discussing tonight how distinctly we remember the first Sunday of football this year – it was three days before Tom was diagnosed. We had gone for a run that morning and I remember us eating dinner that night and we had smiles on our faces that fall was coming and we were discussing landscaping stuff that we needed to figure out before winter since we are still novice new home owners. We were so content and so genuinely happy. We’ve created a life we both love and felt like we had a great day – I remember thinking how lucky I was. 72 hours later our life was flipped upside down and needless to say our Fall Sundays that we so treasured were out the window.

So in a way – it seems fitting that Super Bowl Sunday landed today. The day of his last shot, and the first day of the week where we get the port taken out – one of our last big milestones. I think about all the time, energy, effort and heart that football players put into getting to the Super Bowl and I think Tom matched that times ten to get to where he did over the past weeks too. I still consider myself lucky – for a whole slew of new reasons too. If I keep the analogy going – Tom is the MVP of this whole thing – and I would be Beyonce during that halftime show. ;-) More to come… 

Well, as I predicted weeks ago, the last 6 months just ka-boomed on me. As things are starting to wind down, my brain caught on and decided it no longer needed to use all my adrenaline or run on empty and my body crashed hard. I’ve got a double ear infection, sinus infection, fever thing going on – lovely, just lovely. I’m on the mend now, but it’s been a crappy few days.

Tom was frustrated and remarked “I hate seeing you so sick – I just want to make you better.” I lifted my head and said “Multiply that by 100 and that sums up the past six months of my life.” Tom has said through this whole thing that he would rather be the patient versus having to be the person that has to helplessly watch/care take and keep it all together. I take the other stance, the entire time we were going through this I would say I wish I could do this for him so he didn’t have to suffer. Certainly there isn’t a “right” answer, but I do find it interesting that we both wished we could be in the other person’s shoes for the sake of each other. Both positions are incredibly different, have different levels of risk/danger, and each have their own challenges. I wish we hadn’t needed to experience either of them – but we did, and I think we did quite well.  

Tom has been such an amazing patient through all of this, though in this conversation he admitted there were days were he may have had a fake smile on so as to not worry me. My reply was “I did the same”. I can’t tell you how many times I cried in the shower or cried in the car – the same for him. Not because we were trying to hide any feelings from each other but because sometimes we were processing everything going on and not wanting to bring the other one down with us. I had terrible and great days, as did Tom, but by our count we only had one day were both of our terrible days landed on the same day. We needed to balance each other out to make it through and we did. So regardless of role during this whole fight our roles now are much more similar – husband and wife living life cancer free.

Tom is feeling great and getting stronger each day. He gets on the treadmill every day to help build back lung capacity and pushes himself to do a few minutes longer each day. It’s not an easy task for him but he knows it will get better and better each day. His scars are also healing quite well and we both were shocked at how faint it will likely be when the scar finishes healing. There are parts of the large incision that have already had the glue come off and it looks great – or as great as a scar can look. Tom is still working on the harrowing tale that he will tell about his scar – originally he was thinking a shark bite but the line is far too straight for that! :0) More to come….

I’m going to let the cat right out of the bag for today’s post: Tom is completely crushing his recovery. We had a fun morning of appointments, but all yielded great results. There was a small part of me that was worried they would see us today and say they read pathology wrong, or while we were cancer free they highly suggested a “clean up” chemo. Thank goodness none of that happened – my heart couldn’t have taken that.
 
Tom started the day with an X-ray of his chest. Given that they had to take part of his lung, they wanted to check to make sure that the lung was recovering and that it was expanding the way it was supposed to. After the X-ray we went right up to see our surgeon for the post-surgical checkup. Tom’s surgery was exactly two weeks ago today and when the surgeon’s Physician Assistant, who also worked with us post-surgery, came in to the room she said Tom looked “awesome” and was so impressed with his attitude, color in his face, ability to move around, and how all the incisions were healing. She remarked that she has lots of patients who come in two weeks after surgery and are still very weak, in a bit of a slump, and have a much harder time. As of today, Tom is almost completely off of the strong narcotic pain killers and just using the prescription strength ibuprofen. Plus, his ability to move and get up and down on his own is getting better and better each day. I’m so amazed by how well he is doing and admire how much he is pushing himself.
 
Next, the surgeon came in, closed the door behind him and said “Did you have surgery?” with a big smile on his face. He too was very pleased with Tom’s recovery, checked on the incisions and gave us the rundown of what to expect next. Tom needs to recover for about 4 more weeks and will continue to have lifting restrictions - but he got the all clear to drive. After four weeks, he is good to start going back to work and all restrictions will be lifted but of course he will need to be careful as he gets back to his new routine and not try to do too much too fast. We will see the surgeon in about four months, but so far things are looking great.
 
Next we met with our oncologist and got a plan for all the pieces of that puzzle. Tom’s port will be coming out next week and I can promise you he will not miss it one bit. He doesn’t even go under to get it out since all they need to do is pull it out versus the intricacies of it going in and getting in the veins. It will be quick, and mostly painless. There will be another incision on his chest with stitches that will need to heal, but at this point given the tumor surgery, another small incision doesn’t seem like much. Right now if you played Connect the Incisions (a derivative of Connect the Dots) you’d have a strange looking hexagon. If you add in all the bruises from the daily shots then you’ve got a 1st graders art piece – lots of chaos.  Regardless, another incision is one step closer to the end of this all so he doesn’t even care – let’s get it out. Obviously, the next year is still going to involve lots of doctors. For at least the next year and a half we will do scans and bloodwork every three months. Certainly that’s not fun, and there will be nerves before we get the results, but I’m honestly glad that we need to do them at this frequency because I do think it will provide some peace of mind knowing that we can catch any problems. That said, our oncologist said today that Tom has been cured of cancer. He is not considered to be in remission, he is considered cured. I get goosebumps just typing it.
 
For both of our appointments today I had Thank You cards for our doctors. Thank You doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of what they’ve done for us, but they really became such an important part of our lives. Tom promised me he would grow old with me and there were moments in all of this that I thought that might not happen. Without this team of doctors I’m not sure he would have been able to keep his promise. The insane amount of dedication our doctors have to their practice and patients is unbelievable and inspiring. Today felt like a bit of a “goodbye” because we won’t see them nearly as frequent (we are 100% okay with that!) and it was the first time we saw them since he was declared cancer free in the hospital – for the first time in six months we really had joyous appointments with all our doctors, and their staffs, with lots of hugs and smiles. We even had various staff pop into our exam rooms that have worked with us through this whole thing to celebrate because they too were rooting for us. The only word I can use to describe today is grateful. Grateful for our doctors, their staff, their patience, our friends, our family and so many other things. After a very long six months it was incredibly energizing to know that we are so close to the end of the fight. More to come…